Bonsoir, Eurovision fans! Eurovision 2008 starts tonight - and, as each act performs from Belgrade in this first Eurovision semi-final, I'm blogging live on their chances. Click refresh on your browser to get the latest post.

Caroline Flack is co-presenting with Paddy O'Connell on BBC3 from 8.00pm tonight

10.02pm Well, that's that. Ireland out, and quite right too. Andorra and their lovely disco ditty equally disappointed, but blondes from Norway and Poland power forth. Along with Romania, Armenia, Bosnia, Greece... spotting a pattern yet?

See you on Thursday night for that all-important second semi-final...

9.55pm Ooh, here comes a Munchkin with the results.

And the winners are... oh come on.

Greece. (Marilyn)

Romania. (With the key change)

Bosnia. (Helena Bonham Carter - wot a huge surprise)

Finland. (Rockers rule)

Russia. (Barefoot Cher-wannabe)

Israel. (Dana International's still got what it takes)

Azerbaijan. (Don't remember them)

Armenia. (Shouty)

Poland. (Varnished chest)

Norway. (Bridesmaids)

No slot in the final for Andorra - she was robbed.

9.50pm Not much time for the voting, this thing finishes at 10pm. Surely we can't be dispensing with 'Hello Geneva, douze points'??

9.43pm No half-time show at a semi-final in Serbia. Just two recaps and a couple of lacklustre attempts from our hosts to keep the crowd going (shades of Delia half-time at Norwich).

Ah. There is a half-time show. But it's nowhere near cool enough for BBC3, so we've got a breathy travel guide to Belgrade from the unshuttupable Ms Flack. She has one of those voices found increasingly among young women that appear to have become permanently hoarse from shouting 'I want, I want'. Off she goes clubbing round the Serbian capital - BBC3 have cleverly realised that their core Eurovision audience are self-consciously cool EasyJet clubbers.

9.35pm The way Eurovision works is that we Brits get to bankroll it out of our licence fees, but we don't get to vote in tonight's semi-final (it's a bit like Gordon Brown becoming Prime Minister). I can tell you this for free, gay fingers all over the countries that can vote are currently reaching out for Andorra and their chocolate-brown sci-fi lovely. And Norway and Poland both had nice tunes. Finland was a big horrid noise, and Bosnia was utterly incomprehensible. Which probably means they'll come top when the votes start to pile up in a few minutes' time.

9.25pm Well, there's the end of the singing part. That woman from Greece with her cerise frock and her harem of black-suited men owed more than a little to Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - but the song wasn't a patch on Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend.

Now the host is saying, 'I'd like to welcome Serbia's one and only...' But next up isn't Slobodan Milosevic. It's a tennis player, and he's wearing one of Vernon Kay's suits. Having said which, he speaks English better than Vernon.

On to the voting.

9.20pm Cher had a huge hit with a song called 'Believe' in 1998 and, 10 years later, Russia are trying it on with the same title (but no shoes). Their singer's also having a go with his bare chest - he obviously saw those shirtless holiday snaps of Vladimir Putin that did the rounds a little while ago.

9.13pm Rock worked rather well for Finland a couple of years ago, when Lordi won it. They're trying again tonight, but not with as much charm. Mind you, it's always nice to see a carefully toned man take his shirt off in the name of Eurovision.

Romania now, and a lad who obviously didn't read the dress code. 'No jeans', it said on the invite. What's he wearing? Jeans. Mind you, his female friend is done up in black leather with green bits hanging off like a Satanic Christmas tree.

Key change! They're obviously very happy together, though frankly he doesn't look like the kind of boy who really knows what he sees in her.

9.07pm That woman from Armenia was just shouting. Meanwhile Bosnia had cunningly recruited Helena Bonham Carter, who had evidently run out of anti-frizz serum before she popped out to get the washing in. On we go to the Netherlands, and I have to say I feel a twinge of wistful nostalgia to see such a venerable Eurovision country having to grub around qualifying in the semi-finals. Terry Wogan's right, all this East European block voting makes the whole thing a mockery.

8.55pm Now, that woman on Britain's Got Talent who recited poetry about hats was silly. Ireland's Eurovision entry is beyond silly. Boo, said the Belgrade crowd. Quite right. Go home, you eejits.

Thank God for Andorra. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) She's been to a sci-fi planet, this one, and she looks a bit like Morgan Fairchild off Flamingo Road. But she did, as Paddy says, sing a proper song, with a tune and a beat and words. I can hear remixes being honed already at gay clubs from Preston to Portsmouth.

8.47pm Plumbers up and down the UK will be flushing with pride - it's Poland. In fact, she looks as if she's had her own handyman in, to varnish her decollete. And she's borrowed Simon Cowell's teeth. Bravely, she's dispensed with the wind machine that's seemed obligatory so far this evening - but has kept up the cliche count with dry ice and a seated coterie of dewy violinists. Nice tune though.

8.43pm I'm discovering that trying to eat Dolmio while blogging is harder than it looks. However Norway have managed a pretty girl, a nice frock and a tinkly tune - which at least makes my job a bit easier. She's got a touch of the Christina Aguilera about her, this girl. And, like a very sensible bride with ambitious bridesmaids, she's put her backing dancers in overly tight capri pants. Very wise.

8.35pm If your calves were stouter than the average Belgian mademoiselle's, would you draw attention to them by tying your skirt in a bunch just above your knees? Neither would I, but that's what their backing singer just did. Sack the stylist.

On to what must on the continent have been the commercial break, and Caroline was joined by Andy Abraham, who'll be singing for the Royaume-Uni on Saturday. 'It's a proper song, with a verse and words,' said Caroline. She could have added, 'And not a cat in hell's chance of winning.'

Not quite sure what Andy meant when he replied that he thinks his song is 'a class apart'.

8.27pm Now I thought that San Marino used to be the quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. But no, they're a country, with their own Eurovision entry. Richard Hammond from Top Gear's little brother is singing it. There's a woman flinging tea towels about trying to put him off, but he's ploughing on regardless.

8.18pm On to Estonia. Is that Rick Astley, beautifully bequiffed and resplendent in a terracotta suit? Someone should tell him - at the risk of insulting Estonian national pride - that joke songs work better in a language that most Europeans can understand. English, for example.

8.11pm Isn't it good to see Dana International still contributing to Eurovision - even if it's just as songwriter? Poor Boaz, though, the Israeli singer - even his backing singers are looking the other way...

8.01pm Paddy O'Connell I know, from Broadcasting House on Radio 4. But who is this Caroline Flack? Is she related to Captain Flack from Trumpton?

2008 marks the first time that there are two Eurovision semi-finals, each with 19 countries competing. The top 10 from each semi go through to Saturday's Eurovision Song Contest Final - along with the Contest's four top bankrolling countries, including the UK, and last year's winner, Serbia. So the hardy among you will see no fewer than 63 performances. I'll be right there with you blogging for Telegraph.co.uk - do join in using the Comment box at the bottom of the blog...